Self Inflicted Wounds

Fear. Hurt. Anger. Sadness. Pain. Rage.

How can one feel so many things at once? How can one manage those feelings without exploding?

One word......cutting.

Walk to the box. As you take it in your hands you begin to shake. You have not done this in days? Weeks? Maybe not months. You look inside and see our collection of blades. Shiny, silver, clean, beautiful blades. You make your selection carefully. You are starting to calm down. As you lift up your shorts, you reveal your scars. Some are very old and fully healed. Some are the most beautiful shade of pink. Others are an angry red. You run your fingers over them gently and remember every cut, every drop of blood, every pain washed away. As you lay your chosen blade to your skin, you remind yourself why you are doing this....

"I am fat"
"I am ugly"
"Nobody cares about me"
"I am invisible"
"I cannot take the pain"
"I cannot handle the anger"
"I have to let the pain out"
"This is the only way I can cope"

You press the blade against your skin. You drag it slowly through. You watch as the blood starts to appear. You come to the end of your cut. You hold your bloody blade in your hand as you watch the blood flow from your body. You are free. You feel nothing but the pleasure and release that only cutting can bring you. There are no more problems, no more worries, so more fear or rage or sorrow. You are finally able to breathe. You clean your blade, you clean your leg, and you clean up any trace that there was ever blood on your floor. It is your little secret. Nobody will ever know that cutting is the only way to erase the pain in your world. You cannot tell them because they would never understand how a blade and blood can make everything right and perfect again. At least....it feels right and perfect.....until the next time. When you say "That was it. That was the last time I cut. I will not do it again" and you are clean for a few days, weeks, or months. The "IT" happens. The terrible sadness, the gut wrenching fear, the explosive rage. You know you promised you would not cut again. You would not hurt them again. They just do not understand the way you feel inside. They cant help you. You pull out the box again. You slide the blade over your skin. You bleed. You cry. You scream. You are sorry. 

Will it ever end? This vicious cycle? Will anyone be able to help? Will they still love you? Will they ever forgive you for what you have done? Will they get you help? Will they? Can they?


This was once my life. I have been there and I have done it. I am on the other side now. I have not cut in years. I have had moments where I have been so very tempted to cut again. Just to take the pain away for a little while. To focus my rage and fear and sadness on something i can see. I have let those feelings pass me by. It is not easy at all to recover from this but it can be done. Never forget that there ARE people who love you and nobody wants to see you hurt yourself. It is a long hard road but I know that you can do it. 

Love,
Idle Dreamer